"I feel like I'm running out of time."

life, (near) death, and a sense of urgency

For as long as I can remember, I have always been terrified of my parents dying. 

In my twenties, I have faced this fear on more than one occasion and I realize that the years I spent worrying about it never prepared me for it actually happening or in this case almost happening.

When I was 22, my dad had a brain aneurysm rupture for the first time. The day before it happened, he ran 5K with my mom and set a personal record. So you can imagine that when I received the phone call I was floored. The world seemed to stop spinning, my knees buckled and the wind was knocked out of my chest. In a mere second, the news changed how I viewed life and would continue to shape my perspective in the days, months and years that followed. 

In September, my dad had a second episode. It had been 6 years since the first one and it rocked our world just the same. I acknowledge that it's rare to hear of someone surviving a brain aneurysm once, let alone twice. I can’t help but look at my dad as a miracle, but then again, he’s always been superman to me.

Seeing my healthy and strong father who rarely ever has a cold be flat on his back in ICU, woke me to the harsh reality that we never really know how much time we have. It also showed me the importance of having something to live for, something that makes you dig your heels in and summon every last shred of grit to say “fuck you universe, I am not done here yet, I still have work to do.”

Years after the first episode, I came across a quote that said ‘urgency is a trauma response’ and I thought to myself hmm that's interesting. It would take me another couple years and my dad’s second near death experience for me to connect all the dots to see how this quote was showing up in my life. It seems so obvious now, how could I not have seen the connection before? 

Fear is an incredible motivator and let me tell you, I was god damn terrified of suddenly laying on my deathbed wishing I had gotten to do x,y,z. I was scared shitless of not having something that lit a fire within me to keep me fighting. Unconsciously, I internalized this experience and the emotions it brought up. What I suppressed manifested in my life as a sense of urgency, to fall in love, to travel the world, to figure out my dream job and land it, to master 10 different hobbies and try nearly everything at least once. And when I couldn't accomplish my insurmountable goals in my unreasonable timeline, I would become deeply sad that somehow I was running out of time. 

Although I am aware now, I still struggle with this today. 

When you live in a way that always acknowledges the impermanence of life, you’re going to be cracked open repeatedly. You will be frustrated when the people around you don’t hear the clock ticking the way you do. You will be heartbroken when the person you love leans back instead of leaning in. You will be down right baffled when people don't subscribe to your ethos that we could all die tomorrow so why leave a single rock unturned. You will tire, my god will you tire, from running at everything heart first and headlong hoping relentlessly that something sticks.

Recently, one of my teachers told me “Wherever you are, be there.” These words felt like a balm for this incessant itch. A reminder that we get so much more out of an experience, out of life, when we are fully present. And so I share with you, if you ever feel like you’re running out of time to experience all your precious life has to offer, remember wherever you are, be there. Checking off every item on your bucket list in a frenzied hurry, isn't really living! When the sense of urgency has you in a chokehold and you're trying to claw your way out with sheer force and impulse, take a breath, let these words be a balm that sinks bone deep.

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When you want to go fast, go slow

When you want to sprint, stroll   (and take the scenic route!)

When you want to feast, savour every bite

When you want to shout I love you from the rooftops do it, but don't forget 

you can whisper I love you in a million different ways too

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I think just really being here, wherever that is, is what this life thing is really all about.

Big hugs,

Syd